Forgiveness

Jackson had a splinter stuck in his foot this morning. It had obviously gotten stuck in the bottom of his foot the day before because during the night, it had become red and swollen. As much as that splinter hurt with each step he took, he did not want it removed. The unknown pain of pulling it out was scarier to him than the dull ache he had gotten use to. He managed to limp to the breakfast table, but other than that, he mostly just sat around refusing to use that foot.

Sitting around the house, refusing to use the otherwise healthy feet God gave him is not how a 4 year-old boy is suppose to live.

After much too long of that silliness, I held him down and removed the splinter.

He cried, kicked, and screamed at me. Laura looked on in tears as well. In her mind, I was cruelly torturing her brother.

But I had his best interests in my heart. I knew that removing the splinter wouldn't be without it's own pain. But I knew that once it was gone, his entire foot would feel better instantly. Over time, the pain would disappear all together and he would run crazy again like he tends to do.

Just now, over 5 hours later as he raced by me in full run, he said to me "Hey mom, my foot doesn't hurt any more at all! I'm glad you took the splinter out."

I know it might seem odd for me to use that story to illustrate forgiveness, or even that this story from our day made me think of forgiveness. But in reality, forgiveness has been on my mind a lot these last weeks.

It's such a hard concept to grasp and to be honest, sometimes I wonder if I even really know how to forgive. I know I should forgive, but how do I know if I've done it after all?

I know for sure the first step to forgiving another is to accept that God has forgiven me. Any amount of reflection will reveal how incredibly horrible I am, how unbelievably unrighteous, far from holy, impure, ugly. Yet, despite my sinfulness, God forgives me readily. When I realize how much He has forgiven me, someone else's wrong treatment of me seems a little bit smaller.

I know without a doubt that unforgiveness causes a root of bitterness to take hold in my heart.

Hebrews 12:15 says "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." First I must accept that God forgives because of His abundant grace. He forgives me and He also forgives the one who wrongs me. Because He forgives, I must also forgive. But what if I don't want to forgive?

To be honest, sometimes I just want a person to admit their wrong and ask my forgiveness before I forgive. But what if that never happens? What if they never even own their wrongs or apologize to me?

Enter foot stamping here: "I deserve an apology!!"

In reality, I deserve death, but God...

Anyways, when my heart is far from forgiving, when I harbor anger or hatred or "just" negative thoughts toward another, I have to take it to the Lord.

"Lord, I'm angry at so-n-so. She hurt me and I'm mad. I don't even want to forgive her. Really, I want bad things to happen so she gets what she deserves for doing ______ to me. But I know that attitude isn't what you desire of me. I know not forgiving hurts me more than it hurts her. Please help me want to forgive."

Something like that. Asking the Lord to help me forgive the person is the first step. It helps that root of bitterness not get hold of me quite so deeply.

Next, Jesus commanded more than once that I pray for my enemies (Luke 6:28 and Matthew 5:33-34). That's a tough one, too. I may not want to pray blessings for a person who hurts me.

Enter more foot stamping, if you will.

If the hurt comes day after day after day, or if the person is no longer in my life but I'm holding on to that hurt, or if the person has apologized but I can't let it go...no matter the situation, I must pray for the person.

Holding on to the bitterness and anger is so, so often easier than forgiving. Forgiving, releasing that person from the wrong they've done, is hard to do. Just like Jackson feared letting me remove the splinter, sometimes I'm afraid to let God deal with a person who wrongs me. It's familiar to hold on to my own anger. I can justify it, rationalize it, and understand it. Forgiveness is much harder to grasp.

But again like Jackson's splinter story, unforgiveness will eventually cause me to not be able to use that part of my life/body effectively the way God intended. If someone wounds me emotionally and I don't forgive, then part of my heart is walled off and not able to love. Tearing down those walls is harder the longer they've been there, the deeper that root of forgiveness is.

Like the Hebrews scripture makes clear, the root of bitterness WILL grow up to cause trouble. If I'm unable to forgive and therefore unable to love in one area of life, the root will begin to affect other, unrelated areas of my life. Before long, every area of my life will be walled off, dead, unreachable.

Sitting around this earth, refusing to use my life or my relationships or my heart to love that God has given me is not the way He intends for me to live.

Forgiveness is the only way to tear out that root of bitterness. If I don't feel like forgiving, I have to ask God for help in the wanting. If I want to forgive, but can't seem to do it, I have to ask for His help in the forgiving. He is the author of forgiveness, the original forgiver. He is wonderful at forgiveness and He desires for us to forgive. It stand to reason that He will point the way.

I still don't have an answer to the question about knowing if I have forgiven. There are people in my life that I truly think I've forgiven, but sometimes I still feel mad at them. Is that unforgiveness? I really wonder sometimes. If I still feel a pang of hurt when I think of a person or hurt, is that unforgiveness? I truly don't know.

I do know that forgiving a person doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship must be returned to it's prior state. It depends on the relationship, the people involved, the hurts, etc. I don't believe that forgiveness = warm fuzzy relationship. In reality, I can forgive a person, but I might set healthy boundaries on the relationship. Or there might not be a relationship at all. In marriage, forgiveness is necessary, critical even, for the relationship to continue as God intended.

Sometimes it's easier just to hold on to my anger and hurt because I am use to that pain. It's a part of my life and I've learned how to deal with it. Sorta.

With bitterness, eventually it becomes who I am and everyone else has to learn how to deal with it. Sorta.

You know the person you have to be ever so careful with? You know the friend that when you're with her, you have to filter every single word lest you offend? You know the one who's always in conflict with someone, who is always being hurt or wronged, always the victim?

I don't want to be that person. I don't want those I care about to live trapped in that life either.

When I feel constantly irritated at others, it's time for a heart check. Who have I not forgiven? If I am often feeling like others are "out to get me," it's time for a heart check. Who have I not forgiven? If relationships are ending with little explanation, it's time for a heart check. Who have I not forgiven?

It's hard to examine myself and it hurts when I find that bitterness taking root. It hurts really bad sometimes to pull it out and let it go. But always, always, always the Lord is faithful to heal my heart once I've purposed to forgive and let go.

I'm not sure exactly why the Lord has placed this on my mind so much lately and why, after hearing Jackson exclaim about his foot no longer hurting, it bubbled out onto this particular blog. I have a blog where I write my deeper thoughts. This blog is for pics of the kids. I haven't been posting on either blog much lately, but today I felt compelled to put these words here. Maybe it's because one of you can give me some insight into forgiveness because it's just a hard thing for me to grasp. I'd appreciate your thoughts on the matter. But before you quickly share your mind, please search your heart and make sure you have no bitter roots taking hold there because of an issue of unforgiveness.