Caution: Flammable

This post can't even be considered bathroom humor. It's lower than that. You might just skip reading it entirely. Consider yourself warned: It's nasty, it's smelly, and absolutely disgusting. It's about poop. Stinky, smelly poop. Jackson's poop.

Jackson's had some "problems" in that area since Friday. Let's just say that we've been through a lot of diapers. A lot. The boy is not satisfied with the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast) so I called his doctor to seek advice on what mild foods I could add to his diet without making his problems worse. I shouldn't have called. Instead of answering my question, she dropped the bomb on me that I'd have to collect a stool sample from him. Awesome. I mean, we do that for Kate once a year but it's not even the same. Jeff picked up the "prepared canisters" on his way home yesterday. The warning label was right on:Caution: Flammable.


"Mommy, poop."

And with that, I sprang into action. Not really. More like I dragged myself to his room to face the inevitable. Once I got him into a clean diaper, I took out the instructions on how to properly collect a "sample." They are written in 10 different languages, including Laotian. I don't even know where the speak Laotian. I'll stick with English. Basically, I had to collect with a spoon (What?!! I'm NOT using one of my spoons for this! Oh, phew! There's one enclosed.), fill the canister until the liquid in the bottle reaches the line, stir, TIGHTLY close lid, and shake **until well mixed**....uh, gross. Repeat 4 times into the four different containers. Let me mention that you only do this if the kid is sick. If the kid is sick, his usually stinky stuff is almost unbearable. So, here's Tricia, standing over an unbelievably noxious diaper, spooning the contents into little canisters and shaking them until well mixed. Not the funnest thing I've ever done. I'm allowed to use the non-word "funnest" because I scooped up poop with a tiny spoon today.


I delivered it to the doctor in this sack. "Baby Icing" would have been...nevermind, forget I said anything.


I don't even get to find out anything for several days. I mean, if I have to go to all that trouble, don't you think they could do the tests a little quicker? I will STILL be changing about 1648 diapers in the next few days until we hear back from the lab. But shame on me for complaining...at least I'm not the lab guy having to run tests on some sick kid's smelly business. And at least I'm allowed to eat more than bananas, rice, applesauce, toast, potatoes, cooked carrots, and yogurt. Yea, I'm the lucky one alright.